


Solace (Redux)

by Jeredu



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: And the Colonel's withered heart grew THREE SIZES that day, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Luke has learned to act like an adult because it is expected and demanded of him, i guess, more like a heart-to-heart, not because it is good for him, takes place after the "pre-final dungeon" conversations that are tradition, therefore there are major spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 22:56:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8866714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeredu/pseuds/Jeredu
Summary: It is the last night before the group leaves for Eldrant. Luke is near his breaking point. It looks like some soul-searching and a little heart-to-heart is in order, and Jade is ever the insightful one despite an evening at the bar.  (This is an illustrated, complete rewrite of a very old fic I wrote in 2008)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Major spoilers for Tales of the Abyss! Tales of the Abyss belongs to Bandai Namco.

* * *

 

 

Luke fon Fabre shivered in the cold night air, glancing back once more at the full moon.  Though its radiant face was marred by an ominous silhouette (Van's doing), it still lit up the dry earth of Chesedonia well enough.  He trudged slowly back to the inn, reluctant to face one more uncertain night.  Reluctant to bring tomorrow any closer than it was already. Tear had already retired nearly an hour before, unable to stay awake despite the anticipation they all felt. 

 

Luke kept vigil a while longer. He felt restless, despite the weariness that never seemed to leave him anymore. It was a constant, alarming reminder of a bleak and inescapable fate, of the dire repercussions of his actions at the Tower of Rem. Even so, even after all he'd learned, even running his mind through the scenario a thousand times... Luke could see no other choice he would have possibly made. Even after realizing how desperately he wanted to live, it was unavoidable.  There was no question when weighing any single life, even his own, against the entire planet.   

 

Not that such knowledge made it any easier to swallow. Luke sighed.  It figured that things would work out this way. Fate was funny like that.  Luke finally had a reason and a fierce will to live, only to be stripped of any hope of fulfilling that desire.  After fully expecting everything to end at the Tower, his prognosis was met with startled acceptance, then resignation, as he squashed down his disbelief.  Luke didn't get to decide what was _fair_ about his own lot in life.  He'd lost that right in Akzeriuth.  

 

Luke had lost a lot of things in Akzeriuth, hadn't he?

 

If he had any idea _then_ what he would be facing now... Luke had accepted it, but Tear still seemed to be in denial. At least, Luke mused, playing along let him pretend that nothing had changed (as he'd wished), but at night...  He didn't have anyone to pretend around.  No secret to hide.  No distraction to pull his mind from morbid thoughts. His insecurities began to clamor up from the recesses of his mind.  Even if Luke hadn't feared for himself, he was terrified of seeing Van hurt anyone else he loved.  He could still lose so much more.  _All_ of them could.  Some... Some of them _would,_ Luke realized.

That was their victory condition, wasn't it? That was what he had promised to do. If Asch didn't get there first, Luke would spare the world by killing a man who was Tear's brother and Guy's childhood friend. He tried to shake off the doubt of whether they would survive tomorrow's onslaught, shake off the sick fear that his body wouldn't even last  _that_ long, that he'd die, disintegrate, vanish before he could see this through.  

Luke knew he wasn't helping his chances by pushing his body even further, but sleep held no comfort for him, either.  The night terrors had never quite left him. 

 

His feet seemed to have their own ideas, however, and Luke blinked as he realized he was standing before the inn's door.  Still unsettled, Luke reached for the handle and hesitated, fingers stilling to rest lightly on the cool metal.  Something in his chest felt tight, drawing his attention back to the  _wrongness_ inside of him, to the bone-deep tiredness that had become inescapable over the past few days.  Was there even any point in sleeping, for the little good it would do?  He tried to jerk his train of thought elsewhere, but it was hard with nothing to distract him.  Luke's hand trembled against the door, his eyes beginning to sting. There couldn't be much time left for him, not if the sudden changes were any indication.  Such profound weariness couldn't be normal; it felt like he was on the verge of shutting down, literally aching with exhaustion. 

_I'm almost out of time._

Luke's throat tightened at the thought, and he wondered how pathetic his life must be if he  _still_ stood behind what he'd said to Tear- the _happiest moment of his life_ , indeed.  His breath hitched as he tried to calm himself.  The last thing he needed was a breakdown; there would be no more secrets if he let that happen. Someone might hear.

Naturally, he was too distracted to notice any approach, so Luke yelped in surprise as a gloved hand suddenly brushed against his shoulder.  Carefully schooling his expression, Luke turned around to face their group's most unpredictable member.  Luke opened his mouth to speak, but Colonel Jade Curtiss cut him off. 

 

"You're blocking the door, Luke. Were you planning to stand there all night?"

 

Luke had braced himself for something more scathing, but the words held no venom.  Luke had been facing the Colonel, but now he forced himself to make eye contact.  Something seemed... different.  Maybe it was the moonlight framing his features, but Jade's expression seemed softer than usual - _open_ , rather than the shuttered and calculating look Jade customarily wore.  

  

 

"I... uh," Luke managed intelligently, finally settling on "...Jade?"

Not that Jade's presence (nor his uncharacteristically receptive air) was unwelcome, but nothing Jade ever did was without purpose.  The Necromancer must have sensed Luke's unease, and the corner of his mouth quirked up into the faintest of smiles. 

"Yes, as far as I know," the Colonel murmured, raising an eyebrow, the smile widening a bit as that earned a snort from Luke.  But the humor fled from Jade's expression as he finally asked, "What is troubling you, Luke?"

 _Troubled is putting it mildly,_ Luke thought, biting his lip.  If he started unloading all of this now, he might not be able to stop.  True, Jade had kept Luke's secret as promised, with a logical and practical approach of acceptance.  It was a relief that Jade had not questioned his reasons for keeping his... _condition_ under wraps. 

Luke rather thought he had it on good authority what reactions he could expect if his friends all knew he was _dying_. 

 

The hand found his shoulder again, thankfully pulling Luke out of those thoughts.  Jade's silence seemed expectant, and Luke recalled just _where_ Anise had said the man was spending the evening.  While the Colonel was rarely so candid, Luke never expected  _Jade,_ of all people, to be the one to attempt to comfort him.  Luke suddenly found it very hard to meet the man's eyes, wine-red in the darkness and regarding him with far too much concern. 

"I've been watching you, Luke," Jade murmured once it was clear that a response was not forthcoming. "You've noticed the changes and understand their meaning?" He questioned gently, and Luke suddenly felt like the ground beneath him was crumbling, even as he nodded.  "That's what this is about, then?" 

Luke gave a halfhearted shrug, an inarticulate sound forming at the back of his throat.  It took him a moment to find his voice. 

"I'm just so tired," Luke whispered, "and it never goes away, Jade. It just gets worse until my whole body starts aching..."

 

Jade's brow furrowed ever so slightly.  "You look like you've lost weight."

 

Luke rasped a laugh.  "Guy said the same thing the other day.  I dunno. Maybe I have. I haven't been eating or sleeping well, lately.  Sometimes, I..."  His voice cracked.

 

 

"Sometimes I'm afraid to sleep _because_ of it," Luke admitted. "I'm scared.  Like... the next time I close my eyes, I might not wake up."

Jade felt cold in a way that had nothing to do with the desert night, as Luke spoke. 

"I... I don't want to disappear. But more than that, I don't want to miss a single moment of what time I have left, you know?" Luke's voice broke again, tight and small and very much reminding Jade that the boy before him, for all that he looked and acted like a young man... 

Luke was _seven years old_.  

If Luke didn't get the chance to confront Van himself, Jade certainly intended to tear a few holes in the man on Luke's behalf. 

"I understand," Jade murmured, "as well as one is able in this situation." He could not claim to have such first hand experience with a terminal condition that gave those ideas the kind of urgency Luke was feeling. However, as an adult at his peak with only a long and gradual decline to look forward to, he understood on some level what no seven year old boy should have _any_ business understanding. "I will continue to support you as your ally, though as a friend... I sincerely regret that this path was ever forced upon you.  I am not sure anything can ever compensate for how deeply this world has wronged you."

 

Luke shook his head, lips twitching into a rueful smile.  "Not... Not the _world_. Just a few people in it, some parts of it.  Most of it is _good,"_ Luke whispered.  "That's why I'm here.  That's what I want to protect, Jade."

 

"You already have," Jade replied in kind.

Luke was struggling to find the right words.  This whole conversation felt surreal, with Jade speaking sincerely against the backdrop of a floating land.  He felt like something profound was happening, though he couldn't put his finger on it. 

 

After a moment, Jade quietly took a step back, turning to follow Luke's gaze up to the shadow in the sky.  With a sigh, he slipped his glasses off and into a pocket.  "You've done much, yet we demand more of you still, it seems.  While you have made some monumentally idiotic choices, Luke, I cannot honestly say that I haven't grown fond of you," Jade stated in his matter-of-fact way. "You have, in fact, long since surpassed my initial expectations of you.  Thank you for proving me wrong," he added with that hint of smile returning. 

Luke gave a lopsided smile in return, but Jade's expression grew melancholy.  

 

"Should the absolute worst come to pass, Luke... You will be missed," Jade added softly. "You will be mourned. Everyone will grieve, but I won't hold that pain against you, Luke."  

_Grieve?  Jade? Wasn't that the very thing you thought you were incapable of?_

 

"You?" Luke whispered, and there was no need to explain what he meant.  The lost look on the Colonel's face was clear enough. 

"Yes," was all Jade said for a moment, closing his eyes and collecting his thoughts.  He opened them after a moment, still looking decidedly uncomfortable, the concern in them not quite hidden. "It was a painful realization.  Painful that what it took for me to understand was to feel this utter helplessness as I watch you dying, Luke," and the smile this time held no humor, only a wretched bitterness directed inward.  "I am losing an irreplaceable and precious friend, unable to do anything but watch as you are slowly destroyed by something beyond either of our control.  You are still here before me, yet I already feel the beginnings of a terrible hollowness within.  Nothing will ever replace _you_.  Not a replica, nor anyone else.  I only wonder how deeply I have failed you, just as I failed to comprehend all of this until now."

Jade's eyes were averted, and Luke's were beginning to sting with the prick of genuine tears.  His throat still held his words hostage, closed with emotions he couldn't name. 

"I have... felt remorse before," Jade admitted, "but grief is new.  I know all too well now that death cannot be reversed. A lesson I wish I had learned in youth.  I would thank you, but this is too cruel. There are no second chances after death."

 

Luke forced out a bitter chuckle. "At least something good came out of all of this. Don't worry about me, Jade. All right?"

 

Jade chuckled softly. "Yes, yes. 'You're a big boy; you can handle it.'  Sorry, this is likely the last thing you wanted to hear.  You have been putting on a brave face to keep us from worrying, and I am certainly not helping in that regard."

 

"You're _really_ not," Luke agreed with a watery laugh. 

 

"I will not, however, tolerate any more talk that nothing good has come out of your existence, Luke," Jade continued more firmly. "The others would not take kindly to it, either. Never think, even for a moment, that this was all for naught."

 

Luke finally looked up to meet Jade's searching gaze. The crimson eyes seemed overly bright in the moonlight, and Luke found their regard difficult to bear. Jade seemed entirely sober, but Luke still couldn't help but wonder if this bizarrely candid behavior wasn't partly a result of hours spent at the bar. Luke wasn't sure he liked this new Jade. Gone was the icy barrier, and Luke wasn't sure how to feel as even the most stoic person he knew revealed that he, too, was shaken. It was a different kind of frightening, discovering that an adult he looked up to was just as lost as Luke. Caught off-balance, Luke struggled to keep his own feelings in check. His own fears and despair were welling right back up to the surface where he didn't want them. Luke shuddered, throat tightening again with unshed tears. _Dammit_ , this was _exactly_ what he was trying to avoid! This attempt at comfort was only keeping his mind riveted to this horrible subject, and he didn't want to waste precious time talking about _that_. He felt incredibly fragile, like a pane of paper-thin glass. If Jade pushed in the wrong place, Luke would break.

 

"J-Jade, I know you're trying to help, but..." Luke took a shuddering breath, and only sheer willpower kept it from hitching into a sob. "Please, I n-need to be alone for a bit." _Don't leave me alone, don't look at me, don't WATCH, don'tleavemebehind._

Luke's voice had gone hoarse. He stepped forward and tried to brush past Jade, but the man stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. _Don't **look** at me,_ Luke nearly gasped, flinching away from imploring crimson as though the gaze had stung him.

 

"Please don't push me away, Luke," Jade asked quietly. "Is that not what Tear tried to do at first?" He sighed, some of the tension leaving his shoulders. "If you truly want to be alone, then I will respect your wishes. However..." Jade let his hand fall away. "Luke, please understand this - it is perfectly all right to _not be okay_. There is no shame in it, and avoiding your friends will only make us worry more. You know that," he murmured. 

 

Luke gritted his teeth. "I- it's not…you don't... _D-damn it!"_ A traitorous tear slipped down his cheek, leaving a glistening trail. Luke cursed, scrubbing his face dry as he jerked his gaze away. Stupid Colonel seemed to know exactly the wrong places to push. He bit his lip, a sob building at the back of his throat. "I _can't keep talking about this anymore_ ," he choked.

 

Jade's voice was a tightly controlled whisper when he replied.  "Then don't. If you need a shoulder more than an ear right now..." Jade bowed his head. "It is the least I can offer," he finished quietly. For once, he, too, was at a loss for words. This had never been his role to take. Jade was a figure of authority, a voice of reason, sometimes even a confidant, but _never_ a source of comfort. Yet even as the idea felt foreign to him, it also felt _right_ in this single moment. 

 

Luke's face was already flushed and drawn from the storm of painful feelings clamoring to be let loose.  After only a moment's hesitation, the boy crumpled forward and buried his face against the thick cloth of Jade's uniform, grasping it like a lifeline.  Luke shuddered, a sob finally wrenching itself loose, and Jade found himself awkwardly wrapping an arm around the boy's heaving shoulders.  All of the pain and fear and panic and helplessness, all of the tears Luke had held back, all of the toxic feelings inside of him fought to pour out at once, ripping through him in violent waves. 

 

If anyone overheard, they were wise to stay hidden.  They would have seen murder in Jade's eyes, and at that moment, not even the Colonel himself was quite sure of what he would have been capable.  The pain of the child here before him bled from the sorts of scars even most grown men would never have to bear.  A child of seven years, and his heart was already a road map carved of deep scars, enough to fill ten times the years he'd lived.  He'd been sent to his death twice already.  Now, Luke faced Eldrant with the knowledge that it would likely be his grave, that this journey was a one-way trip.  Jade was concerned about how any of them might escape that place when this was over, but at least they would be given the option to  _try._  

 

Luke's heaving sobs seemed to be escalating, to the point that the boy nearly started retching.  Jade worried that he might begin to hyperventilate from the panic and anxiety that seemed to be partly fueling the breakdown. Feeling a little out of his depth, Jade attempted the kind of gesture he'd seen a mother use to calm her distraught child, gently rubbing Luke's back through that ridiculous coat of his. It seemed to help, though Luke clung to his uniform like a man riding out a hurricane.

 

It was cruel no matter how one framed it, Jade decided.  Luke might as well be a child soldier, forced into the role of killer and accused, manipulated by his trust, a sacrifice that the rest of the world might live on.  Anise had lamented that Arietta would never get to marry.  Was Luke not the same? Not old enough to be considered an adult. By legal standards, not old enough to love, but deemed old enough to  _die_ , indeed. 

Eventually, the heaving, choking sobs began to taper off.  The full-body shudders receded to a fainter tremor.  Luke tried to take a deep breath, though it burned his raw throat and sent him into a fit of eye-watering coughs.   Jade could not say whether it had been hours or only minutes when Luke finally quieted, the tension gone from his shoulders at last.   Luke reluctantly pulled himself away, his eyes red and puffy but clearer than before.  Jade was glad to see a familiar flicker of determination once more, a gratifying contrast to the haunted, helpless look of earlier.  Luke exhaled shakily, his breath still hitching slightly, but it was clear that he had gathered himself together once more. 

"Thanks," Luke mumbled, slightly flushed with embarrassment and residual tears. "Sorry about that."

 

"You have nothing to apologize for," Jade softly chastised, and Luke ducked his head shyly.  He still felt bad about making a mess of the man's uniform, even Jade had offered without complaint. 

 

"I... I should try to sleep. Tomorrow will be rough," Luke sighed.  "But... I feel a bit better.  Weird. Normally, crying would always wear me out. N-not that I've cried since I was little, but..."

 

Jade was merciful enough to take that statement at face value.  "I imagine it makes a difference that it came from letting things out rather than holding them in, yes?"

 

Luke gave him a wobbly smile. "Something like that."

 

Jade nodded. "Sleep would be best. If you need it, I can give you something that will help."  

 

Luke shook his head, the smile now less tentative.  "Nah. I'll be all right, relatively speaking.  Don't get me wrong- I'm still wiped out, but it's a different kind of tired.  Uh... a good kind of tired, I guess? If that makes sense?"

 

Jade found himself mirroring Luke's smile with his (somewhat more reserved) own.  "I believe that sensation is probably  _relief._ Or, perhaps  _catharsis._ "

 

 

Luke chuckled.  "Yeah, that sounds about right."

 

The Colonel's expression sank one last time into the unguarded softness reserved for Luke alone.  "You've done an admirable job, Luke. It will be an honor to fight alongside you tomorrow.  Be proud."    

 _Be brave.  Be yourself.   Be Luke until the very end_. 

Luke's cheeks flushed again at the praise, and he turned to grab the door handle, not knowing how to respond to that.  It creaked open softly.  Pausing, he turned to glance back at the Colonel. 

 

"Not a word of this to  _anyone_ else."

 

Jade inclined his head in acknowledgement. "As you wish.  My lips are sealed, as always.  Good night, Luke."

 

Luke seemed satisfied with that, turning back to the door. "....'Night, Jade.  Thank you. For everything."

 

Jade nodded, watching Luke's form retreat into the shadows.  He stood in silent thought for a moment before finally crossing the threshold as well, shutting the door gently behind him.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The artwork featured was drawn by me. I feel I should include a friend's comment on the first image- "Such a soft Jade."  
> The original (2008) version of this fic can be found at: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4252351/1/Solace


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